i rarely look at these things and i generally don't take anything they have to say seriously but now and then they contain a little nugget of wisdom.  i guess that's like saying that now and then when you shake the magic eight ball the answer you get really makes a lot of sense... eh, either way.

here's mine, and because i'm feeling generous and a little kooky-psychic-astrological, yours is below too.

(credit:  "This Week's Horoscope" from the seattle weekly.)

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)Everyone views the world through distortive lenses (yes, including you). That means that although someone else's perspective of you might be worth considering, it's not necessarily objective just because it's coming from an external source. It's colored by their own experiences and ways of looking at the world. That's not to say you should view all negative criticism (or positive encouragement) as invalid; however, do take it with a grain of salt. If it motivates you to better yourself, that's fantastic. If, however, it's only demoralizing and depressing, feel free to mostly disregard it while you get your shit together.
Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20) There's such a thing as cutting someone too much slack. At some point, enough is enough. If they really suck that bad (or are that flaky, dishonest, or irresponsible), cut them loose. I admire your kindhearted generosity, except when it gets the best of you or those around you. It's not your job to take in every stray and charity case—especially those determined to sabotage anything good in their lives. Let them go hang themselves on someone else's time and in someone else's space, if they can find anyone. Don't be the softhearted sucker this time around.
Aries (March 21–April 19) You don't usually need encouragement to step up—sometimes for opportunities, relationships, and scenarios you're entirely inappropriate for! However, here's something that would be (relatively) perfect for you, and you're too shy, lazy, or nervous to actually raise your hand and take it on? I'd be proud of you if you'd managed to avoid one of those messy, sketchy situations you all too often get mixed up in—but this hardly qualifies. Take a closer look. It's pretty likely you can properly pull this thing off, so jump in quickly before the window of opportunity closes forever.
Taurus (April 20–May 20) You're not psychic (at least not in this case), so even though you may think you can predict the future and see how this is all going to play out, you're dead wrong. There are surprises ahead. However, they'll only manifest if you're truly open-minded here. Of course, you can still stubbornly turn your predictions into self-fulfilling prophecies if you prefer—but I hope you don't (especially since the scenarios you envisage aren't particularly uplifting or happy ones). Besides, by going that route, you'd be cheating yourself out of a much more interesting, inspiring, and rewarding story.
Gemini (May 21–June 20) Most of us have fallen at least a little short of what we dreamed for ourselves 10 years ago (while a lucky few met or surpassed those dreams). However, we've all learned a lot—and hopefully those lessons can translate into making our more recently conceived goals more achievable. Don't be disheartened that some of the dreams imagined by a younger, less-realistic you have proven to be (at least so far) impossible. Many of those you came up with a decade ago required luck or other elements you simply had no control over. Your new dreams are ones that will test your actual skill and determination—and thus can be ones to be proud of.
Cancer (June 21–July 22) We all occasionally have cause to regret or rethink the decisions and choices we've made. It's OK to indulge in these kinds of feelings once in a while—remembering the whole time that there's pretty much nothing you can do about those choices which brought you to this place. Longing for the supposedly better life other decisions might have brought you should be limited to occasional wistful (and short-lived) daydreams. The rest of the time, but especially this week, you should concentrate on making good choices. Here's where you start from, like it or not. Make the best of it.
Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) It's funny and fascinating how you can sometimes feel more connected to animals than to people. That's because, of course, animals are simpler. It's not that they give you more—people absolutely have more to offer, if we're going to be objective about it. It's that they give you more that you'rewilling to actually accept. It's not that animals are better than people—it's that you have fewer walls up when interacting with them. Those defensive buttresses are somewhat obsolete at this point. Take some of those walls down, and you'll notice that your fellow humans are more than willing to give you the same kind of adoration and affection—and more.
Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22) It's my goal this year to become hot (again?). This admittedly rather shallow objective has deeper roots, because eliminating the small spare tire I've accumulated in my 30s means also getting rid of some mental and emotional flab and toning my spiritual as well as physical discipline. By the time I've gotten to the "hot" place (and I'm already several months into the process), I hope to be a lean, mean powerhouse on a number of levels. You'd be best served this week (and in the coming months) by holistic goals that serve you on many levels—try to craft yours to do exactly that.
Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21) More than half the time, the reason you can't have what you want is that you won't let yourself. That's right, at least 51 percent of your unfulfilled dreams, missed chances, and unrequited loves were because you didn't have the chutzpah, self-worth, or drive to just ask for (or simply go for) what you wanted. I can only remind you so often that you deserve most of the good stuff you hope for—you've got to take on the job of reminding yourself, too. When will you stop shooting yourself in the foot like this, and keeping yourself from realizing your own desires? Start this week.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21) More often than not, love appears to fall into our laps—but in truth, at those times we were at least subconsciously putting ourselves into places and situations where it might happen. If you're experiencing a dry spell, it's not entirely by accident. Some of it, at least, is your own doing. Of course, going the opposite extreme won't do you much good; few people find slutty desperation attractive. But putting yourself out there, along with opening your mind, could get you further than you think. Don't go out with the intention of finding someone—but do go out. Just try to have fun, and the rest will (eventually) fall into place by itself.
Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) Sometimes it depresses you how easily people can be manipulated. However, it's not your job to make them savvy, wise, or grounded enough to resist blatant emotional exploitation. You can choose, or not, to take advantage of their susceptibility, but I suspect if you spend too much time protecting people from themselves (and from any manipulation, accidental or otherwise, from you), you simply won't get far. You don't need to take people for a ride, but if a little nudge gets someone onto the same page as you, and your intentions are good, I say go for it.
Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) There have been times I've found old journals, bits of writing, and I don't recognize them. They're written in my hand, in my book, so there's no question they came from me, but I have absolutely no recollection of having ever written them. These fascinating presents from a former self have at times confounded, exhilarated, inspired, and amused me. Write a letter to your future self this week. It doesn't have to be anything huge or well-thought-out. "This is how I'm feeling today" will do. Then forget about it, and don't visit it for years to come.

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